


Traviamento

by call_me_by_charmie



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types
Genre: Comfort, Fluff, Gay For You, Lightest angst, M/M, Past Denial, Self-Discovery, Sexuality Crisis, The Rehearsal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22211362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/call_me_by_charmie/pseuds/call_me_by_charmie
Summary: Armie arrives to Crema to film a movie. He knows the routine, he's done this many times. Except not with Luca. Not in picturesque Italy. And especially not with some charming actor called Timothée Chalamet.Armie never thought about questioning his sexuality; he liked women. Growing up, being gay wasn't acceptable in his family and when he got a life of his own, he was so used to how things were he didn't dare to doubt anything. Until Timmy came.Will this be his own Traviamento?
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Comments: 13
Kudos: 88
Collections: CMBYN Big Bang 2019





	Traviamento

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> This is my take on the theme 'Gay for you' for the CMBYN Big Bang 2019. The story is a look into Armie's evolution in Crema and it's written as glimpses into what was going on. I intertwined quotes from Call Me by Your Name and some more and less obvious references into this story. All CMBYN quotes belong to André Aciman. I also don't know anyone in this story personally, so this is all (probably) fiction.
> 
> I would like to thank everyone who made the Big Bang happen! You guys are the best!
> 
> I would also like to thank @tpmbouquins (@alittlefrenchtree on tumblr) for translating Timmy & Esther's dialogue into French <3  
> The dialogue in English:  
> "Timothée, what's taking you so long? Hurry up!"  
> "I think I will stay in tonight after all."  
> "Why?"  
> "Armie's here. I'll stay with him. Have fun!"

Armie was on his way to Crema, there has been so much going on in his life that he was glad to leave LA for a few weeks and get his mind off his family situation. He and Elizabeth have been going through a crisis. The disagreements and arguments were getting out of control and it was having negative effect on Harper. For the past few months they were really trying to work through it and figure it all out, but they simply grew apart during the years and it seemed that the only thing they had in common was their daughter.

Even that led to heated arguments since they apparently had a different vision of how to raise children. What Armie didn’t like especially, was how Elizabeth mainly focused on how things looked. In his opinion it’s the best for a child to try everything out, get messy if needed. That didn’t quite get along with the clothes Elizabeth chose for Hops.

But they tried. They really did. In the end they decided to go on a break and try to figure themselves out. Armie was soon leaving to film in Italy anyway, and they agreed that Elizabeth wouldn’t come visit as they had planned months ago. They would see after he came back.

***

Armie knew he related to Oliver and he knew that Luca knew; most likely one of the reasons he chose him. But what Armie didn’t realize until he met Timmy, was that he did relate to Elio too, more and more with every passing day spent in the company of his co-star. He was mesmerised by everything Timmy did, said, even felt.

That’s what Armie loved about him – how open he was with his emotions, he let everyone in, no permission needed. He wondered whether Timmy was like that with everyone everywhere. In New York. In France. Or if he felt so safe here, in their Italian filming bubble under Luca’s guidance, that he let all his defences down.

It was also the very thing that terrified him. He’s never met someone so thoroughly okay with themselves, so okay with being vulnerable and insecure. So okay with not being okay sometimes. Timmy’s openness was inviting, and it made Armie see it was possible. It was possible to be open with your emotions, to just live without constantly double-checking what you said, how you acted.

It scared Armie, because even if he let himself be more open here, he would go back to his life where such openness wasn’t valued. Or maybe, he wouldn’t.

 _Did I want to be like him? Did I want to be him?_ Were the words that often came to mind. _Or did I just want to have him_? – his mind supplied the rest of the quote, which he quickly dismissed. He wasn’t into guys. Yes, Timmy was charismatic (in his own dorky way), funny, intelligent and gorgeous. Armie could appreciate these qualities in another human being. If said human being happened to be a guy, that didn’t make Armie gay.

***

“No no no. What are you doing?” Luca shook his head, clearly displeased.

“You told us to...” started Timmy all confused.

“Yes, kiss! You need to kiss like you want to kiss. You are Elio and Oliver! Don't get inside of your head. Just let go, yes?”

Armie closed his eyes and concentrated on getting Oliver back. It wasn’t easy getting into character without almost any context.

Timmy finally leaned in and pressed his lips against Armie’s, a little more determined this time. Armie raised his hand and caressed Timmy’s neck, almost encircling the whole expanse, his jaw and then into the dark strands, pulling lightly on an impulse. That earned him a gasp from the other man, gaining an entrance to his mouth. He flicked his tongue over Timmy’s teeth playfully.

Suddenly he had his lap full of Timmy- Elio. It felt only natural to smooth his hands down onto Timmy’s ass and squeeze. Armie noticed how nicely it fit into his hands. The younger man moaned in an answer and bucked his hips forwards. 

“Fuck,” whispered Armie into the parted lips. He rolled them around, so he was now on top of Timmy. As their tongues explored each other's mouths, Armie realized he let Oliver slip away almost completely. He parted their lips to take a breath and get a grip, but his feeble attempts to get back in character were smashed by Timmy sucking on his lower lip. He needed to end this. He needed to end it especially because of how much he didn't want it to end. He had hard time admitting the last part to himself. Maybe he wasn’t completely out of character; his and Oliver’s wishes were just bleeding through each other.

As they parted their lips to catch their breath, he checked Timmy's state - hair dishevelled, pupils blown, lips swollen. Armie slowly started coming back to his senses. Luca. Luca was watching them. He raised his head to the place their director was seated at, but he was gone. 

This was ridiculous, he couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation. 

“What?” asked Timmy, his voice thick but with a glint of panic peeking through. 

“He's gone,” replied Armie, rolling off onto the grass. 

“Who... Ohhhh,” he couldn't help but join Armie's laughter, when he remembered where they were and what their purpose there was. “Well, ice broken,” he sighed. 

“Thoroughly smashed,” chuckled Armie, but inside he had a storm of emotions.

***

They were having dinner with the cast at Luca’s on Saturday, the same week when their rehearsal had taken place. They were dining at Luca’s quite often – it’s become a kind of a habit. Sometimes they were talking about filming, sometimes about life in general. The former was the case of this evening. They were discussing each of the character’s background and were immersed in theories about what formed them to be who they were.

“Yes, but look – Oliver was able to overcome his parents’ beliefs and become his own person. But when you are raised a certain way, something must stick. He may have fooled around a bit, but probably nothing too serious. He knew one day he would settle down, find himself a wife and have children. Suddenly he starts falling for this boy. It’s no longer just fun and games if you’re falling in love. When he thinks about going back to the States, he’s not sure he can go back to who he was. Elio fully brought this part of him to broad daylight. Now it’s up to Oliver, what he’s going to do about it.”

Armie stayed suspiciously silent considering it was his character they were talking about. It was all hitting too close to home. Could Luca know something when he casted him, something even he did not realize himself? Armie got up from the table and mumbled: “I’m going for a smoke.” He did everything to avoid Timmy’s gaze. One look and he’d see everything that was going through his head. Armie quickly disappeared around the corner of the house, heading to the secluded part of the garden.

But Timmy did notice. He slowly watched Armie tense as the conversation progressed and wanted to comfort him, but he wasn’t sure if he was in a place to do so. He didn’t want to bring attention to Armie since he knew he struggled with being vulnerable. Filming this movie and working with Luca made him try to look differently at what it meant to show your emotions to the world, but it was a long journey.

After a few minutes Timmy stood up, excused himself with the reason of going to the bathroom, and went to search for Armie. It didn’t take long to find him, since Armie was at his spot at the farther end of the garden.

“Armie, are you okay?” Timmy put his hand on the taller man's arm. Armie shrugged it off. 

“Leave me alone,” Armie muttered, unable to contain his feelings. He panicked as he noticed the hurt flicker over Timmy's face. He didn’t mean to sound so harsh, especially not to Timmy who only wanted to help. “Please go,” he pleaded softly. “I don't want to talk about it.”

“I will go, if that's what you want. But I just want to tell you that I am here when you need to talk. You know I will listen, because I care about you, Armie. Even if it's the middle of the night. Just wake me up.” He could see Armie's eyes momentarily glisten with wetness. “I am here for you Armie. Always.” He caught Armie's hand in his, squeezed and let go. Their touch lasted barely seconds, but it was enough for Armie's body temperature to respond.

He let Timmy walk back to the table and joined them few minutes later only to apologize that he was tired and would be heading home. He saw Timmy start to get up from his chair, they usually walked back together since their apartments were right next to each other. But he needed to be alone today, so he just shook his head. Timmy nodded in understanding.

***

The next few days Armie was distant, he knew it troubled Timmy, but he couldn’t help himself. He was on the brink of admitting something he may have been subconsciously supressing his whole life.

It was confusing and tiring, his nights were restless. Despite Timmy’s efforts he spent the past few evenings usually nursing a glass alone. Today he decided it was enough, that he needed to talk to someone. No, not someone – Timmy. He wanted to talk to Timmy.

But when he opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, he saw Timmy tying his shoes, clearly leaving. “Oh sorry, you were heading out. I didn't mean to interrupt, have fun!” Armie started turning away when a hand grabbed his arm to stop him from walking. 

“Armie, I told you. I'm here for you, whenever you need me. I was going to join them just because I didn't want to be alone. I want to stay in with you, okay?” He returned a reassuring gaze.

Armie nodded. Usually he would oppose but today he had too much he needed to get off his chest. He worried that if he went back to his apartment, he would never find the courage to speak about these things again.

They stared at each other for a few seconds when they heard Esther’s voice coming from down the stairs. “Timothée, qu’est-ce qui te prend aussi longtemps ? Dépêche-toi !” 

“Je crois que je vais rester ici ce soir en fait,” he shouted back.

“Pourquoi ?” asked Esther, confusion audible in her voice.

“Armie est ici. Je vais rester avec lui. Amusez-vous bien !” called Timmy and motioned Armie to go inside.

Hearing Timmy pronounce his name the French way made Armie’s stomach feel kind of funny and for some unknown reason he made sure to avoid his eyes. The eyes which so often reminded him of the pistachios Timmy loved. As if Timmy could know what was going through his head just by locking his gaze.

But then he realized that’s exactly what Timmy did. He was one of the few people that saw right through his façade, just like Luca who was having none of it. Timmy was a little gentler with him, he wasn’t pushing him as much as their director, he saw and understood when it was better to leave it.

They heard shuffling and murmuring from down the stairs but neither really cared about what the others said or thought. When Timmy heard the entrance door click, he closed the apartment door behind himself. “Get yourself comfortable. Would you maybe like a drink? I have the whisky you brought that we haven’t finished yet.”

“Yeah, that would be nice. Thanks,” said Armie as he seated himself on the couch. They already learnt so much about each other on this couch, sometimes over a bottle of whisky, other times with the help of a bit of weed. Today it felt different, sitting here felt almost like when you were called into the principal’s office and you were waiting for the ball to drop. But Armie wanted this. He needed to finally tell someone, saying it out loud would maybe help him sort out his own thoughts and feelings.

Timmy came back with two glasses of honey-coloured liquid and handed the one without ice to Armie, who looked quite tense. “Hey, it’s okay,” he said as he squeezed the muscular shoulder. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. We can turn on the TV and just chill.”

“No.” Armie took a deep breath. “No. I need to talk about this and there is no one else I can say this to but you.” He then cringed internally at his own use of the quote, but the implication was spot-on.

There was silence for a few moments, until Armie decided to just go for it. “When I was around 8 there was a guy at my school. He didn’t know me. I didn’t know him. But something always pulled me towards him. He was older than me and we only met in the hallways during the breaks; if I was lucky that was. We never spoke, never exchanged a single word, he probably didn’t even know I existed – I was just a chubby kid back then. He was really handsome – I even said so to my best friend. I don’t remember exactly how he reacted, but he didn’t seem shocked or scandalized. Maybe he nodded or something, and it never made me question anything – guys could find other guys attractive without it being weird or gay. You know what my parents’ views were. I met the guy again years later at the next school I was attending. It was still there, yet it never occurred to me I might not only find him attractive but might actually be attracted to him. I mean how could it, I wasn’t gay,” Armie’s voice faltered at the last word and he went silent.

Timmy sensed Armie was far from done with what he needed to say, so he stayed quiet, briefly squeezed the other man’s forearm and nodded encouragingly, so Armie continued.

“The last year of middle school a guy called Val transferred to my school – my class to be exact since we were the same age. He was… he was everything I wanted to be; I was intimidated by him. He was smart, unique, charming and handsome. We became great friends, we both had our struggles and it bonded us. We were supposed to go to high school together, but then a few days before the start of the schoolyear he told me he was moving across the country. His father got a great job offer that he could not refuse. We tried to keep in touch and even met two times, but then our communication faltered until we stopped talking altogether. I don’t even know what college he went to.” Armie seemed to be searching for the right words.

“The thing is, when he told me he was moving away, it shattered me completely. I was crying for hours and my chest ached, like it physically pained me to see him go. I needed to tell someone but who could I say this to? So, I took a paper and pen and wrote this sort of diary entry where I tried to explain how I was feeling. I burned it later, but I remember writing something about loving him deeply and then vehemently adding ‘just as a friend’ But looking back, I might have liked him more than just a friend.” Armie’s gaze seemed far away.

“I’m sorry, Armie. I am so sorry you went through this without having anyone to confide in,” said Timmy softly with sad eyes, to gently pull Armie from the painful memories. “I cannot even imagine… There was always someone I could talk to when something bothered me.” He shuffled on the couch to be closer to Armie, he rubbed his knee in a calming gesture. It made Armie first look at where they touched and then look up to Timmy’s eyes.

Armie shook his head, as if to shake off the memories. “I mean, it’s long gone, I haven’t thought about him for years. But then I met you…”

Timmy looked him quizzically. “Me?” He kept his hand on Armie’s leg and started to rub his kneecap with his thumb, seeming not entirely aware of it.

“Yes, you. As I was studying the book to prepare for this role, I knew I related to Oliver deeply. But now I also see myself in Elio. I was thinking back on these friendships and started to realize, that maybe, maybe there is a huge part of myself I haven’t yet learnt about. Part I may have subconsciously suppressed, a part that is now getting uncovered.” There was silence, neither breaking eye contact. 

Then, out of nowhere, Armie asked: “Timmy, can I kiss you? I know we have already spent fair share of time kissing during rehearsals, but not as us. Can I kiss you as me? Not Oliver. Not Elio. Me. And you… I need to know. I just need to know,” he whispered almost as a plea as his eyes flicked to Timmy’s mouth then back to his now darkened eyes.

“Yes,” barely a breath. Timmy felt tempted to add ‚please’, but resisted – it would blur the lines, they needed to do this as themselves.

Armie noticed how the short dark curls shook in sync with Timmy’s quickened breathing. He was aware of every little detail: slim hand rubbing his knee, pale wrist – he suddenly felt overcome with the urge to kiss it. He took Timmy’s hand in his, noticing how different they were – his large and tan, the other smaller and paler with delicate fingers, he raised it to his mouth and pressed a gentle close-mouthed kiss to the inside of Timmy’s wrist.

He lowered their hands but didn’t let go completely as he let his hand travel alongside Timmy’s lean arm to his shoulder, earning goosebumps in response. He lightly traced he tips of his fingers across the protruding collarbone towards the expanse of the velvet skin on Timmy’s neck – oh how he wanted to kiss that neck and every freckle, creating galaxies to men yet unknown. But he continued further up until he cupped the sharp jawline, his fingers sinking into the raven strands at the nape of Timmy’s neck. Move so familiar yet, in a way, brand new – because they weren’t filming, nor they were rehearsing. This was them getting to know each other as themselves. This was Armie getting to know himself.

Armie took the sight in. Timmy’s face was like an antique painting framed by dark curls. Perfect arch of brows, lashes that any woman would die for, and the eyes. How could somebody’s eyes be every colour possible? Like a scenery where forest meets a cloudy sky with rays of sunlight peeking through. Armie made himself tear his eyes away and make their way further down across the freckled bridge of the nose, until they stopped at their final destination. Seductively uneven cupid’s bow of the nether lip, the fullness of the lower lip, the rosy tint.

Armie noticed how quick Timmy’s breath was, he was leaning in but clearly holding himself back, and he was grateful for it, grateful for Timmy always knowing what he needed. Timmy realized that this was far more important than just satisfying one’s needs. This was Armie figuring out where his own needs lie. So, he just gave himself over and let Armie lead the way.

This was it. Armie could no longer wait – this was what he wanted. What he needed. He traced his thumb over Timmy’s bottom lip, then put an index finger under his chin and guided Timmy to raise his head, which he did willingly. Armie leaned in and lingered bare millimeters from Timmy’s lips, relishing the moment. He chuckled as Timmy let out a frustrated groan.

“Come o-“

Finally, Armie pressed their lips together. And it felt just right, which only confirmed what he already knew, what he read so many times in the book. _Wanting to test desire is nothing more than a ruse to get what we want without admitting that we want it._

It was slow and tender until Armie flicked his tongue over Timmy’s lip. That set something off inside of the younger man. He grabbed Armie’s shirt and pulled him closer, letting Armie’s tongue explore. The kisses quickly turned too heated to sit up straight, so Armie gently pushed Timmy to lay back on the couch and carefully covered his body with his own. They lost themselves in the sensation – tongues dancing together, hands roaming, exploring, slipping under shirts. As they parted to catch their breath, Armie finally moved onto the creamy neck and traced the constellations of moles and freckles with his tongue. He heard a suppressed moan, so he looked up to see Timmy looking back at him, pupils blown, hair dishevelled.

“Let’s move to the bed,” Timmy caught the hesitation in Armie’s eyes and realized what it probably sounded like. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean – that, unless you want to. I just thought there is more space. We don’t have to do anything, we can just go to sleep.” Then something flashed across his face and he rushed to say: “I understand if you want to go to your apartment, but I would really like you to stay with me tonight. I don’t want you to be alone tonight and to be honest, I don’t want to be alone either. I can sleep on the couch if-“

Armie pressed a soft kiss to Timmy’s lips to stop his rambling and his worries. “I would like to stay with you too.” He got up and extended a hand to help Timmy up, who adjusted himself with an awkward smile and let himself be led to the bedroom.

When they got to bed the atmosphere had already changed back to more tender. They kissed for a while, gently nibbling on each other’s lips, until Timmy smiled into the kiss, which made Armie smile too and break the kiss. For a few seconds they just looked at each other with silly smiles plastered on their faces.

Timmy then moved and with a satisfied sigh he laid his head onto Armie's chest. This was nice. Armie could get used to this.

“Armie?” asked Timmy into the darkened room.

“Yeah?”

“I’m so proud of you.” He looked at Armie and then snuggled back into the broad chest.

“Thank you. For everything.”

He felt Timmy nod. “Thank you, too.”

Armie pulled the cover over them, wrapped his arm around Timmy’s lean torso and pressed a kiss into the nestle of curls. As Timmy’s breathing evened out and he started snoring ever so quietly, Armie thought about the past couple of days, what it all meant to him and life as he knew it.

One thing he was sure of. _Definitely not straight._

***

When Armie arrived home, Elizabeth took one look at him and knew.

“It’s over.” It wasn’t a question.

Armie nodded. His life was about to change.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3 
> 
> I understand it might feel like an abrupt ending, but in this story I wanted to mainly focus on Armie's self-discovery and I feel like everything important was said. But who knows, maybe I'll come back to this in the future (definitely don't promise anything).
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! All kudos and comments are deeply appreciated. 
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr under @call-me-by-charmie :)


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